She screamed in my ear and
I jumped five pages toward consciousness.
Something, something, something
ran across my hip, over my thigh and jumped off my knee
before I could stop it
my crawling dream had woken me.

The roar of reality rumbled
as an image of
squirming twisted thoughts
tumbled over and over trapped in place,
unable to flow straight or untangle itself,
keening to be cut loose or freed.

Pull the short strand,
hold the largest loop,
do something to clear the image
but a strand pulled me back under and
the cluster turned around
I was struggling with my eldest son,
long hair flying wild in the wind.

He was proud that he was stronger
could kick me harder
I could not get untangled,
could not get free.
His eyes were alternately terrified and rage filled
the smile, crooked, basked in my radiant fear.

My eyes flew wide and I wrote, “She screamed in my ear…”

He used to ride his bicycle up and down the driveway screaming at the top of his lungs. He was always moving so fast I never remember asking him why he was compelled to scream into the wind. Perhaps, only a mother would want to know. He did the same thing while vacuuming. I stared with my mouth open the first time I saw/heard it. The sound froze my mind short circuiting any action. Oh God, please stop that sound. Why didn’t I seek help then. My, then, husband and I discussed some of the oddities but if anything was to be done it was always my call. Now that I think of it, I talked about it and he had little or nothing to say.

I remember the morning, my boy was barely two, he woke me up by hitting me in the face with a racquet ball racquet. I screamed at the stars circling my head. My, then, husband took the racquet. The next morning the child repeated his action with a full milk bottle.

I screamed, he laughed.
He got his own room.
I got a double bruise on my eye socket.
Funny, it looked just like my brother’s double birthmark over his eye socket.
The universe has no sense of humor, just irony.


Any thoughts on the above post are appreciated! Otherwise, I think I must be living under a rock.

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