He lost a father while I gained a son
my eldest son alienated, my child, his youngest brother
while gaining sympathy from the silent sentinel.

His father planned for him to
leave by any means. When I arrived
Thursday ES was in handcuffs
The goal being for him to snap.

I forced them to remove the handcuffs
and give him his morning medication.
The argument started Wednesday night
and continued for hours. I answered his
text at 11:30 and talked to him for an hour
I got him to take the mood stabilizer and
asked him to eat so he could sleep.

How could a father be so cruel to
push the boy so far away that he would
swing manic.

“The boy is mentally ill,” I said.

“He attacked his brother,” his father said.

“Did he really? Were you there and did
My Child have his medicine yesterday?
They have the same diagnosis,
he is on a mood stabilizer too.”

“No,” he believed what My Child
said as he walked in the door.
His father lied and said that
he had given medication to My Child.

My Child was out of control when
I saw him last with no meds in
his system until the therapist
watched him take his day’s morning
and evening dose in front of her that night.

That’s not right.

He had not taken his Tuesday dose she noticed.
These boys are ricocheting off of each other.
One goes up, the other flies left,
the other falls down, the other flies to the right.
The conductor, my ex, chooses which
one to support on any given day.

I made ES stand further and further away
from his father so the poison could lose its
effect on him.ย  Harassed and harangued for
three hours, he had only slept four
hours before his father woke him up
with the same argument the next
mourning.

ES is manic and wounded even on his meds.
This environment is toxic, his father is toxic
his brother MC has been toxic for months now.
Playing favorites is how we got into this mess
four years ago.

The puppet master needs a new
apprentice. I am so sad for him
Each him.

He picks a child
tells them he is special
tells them we are jealous
tells them we hate in spite of the love we show
then he lets them loose upon us
Spinning tops of anger and rage
betrayed and lost they strike until
I catch them.

Using my body to absorb the swings
the blows, the wounds until clarity
shines through his eyes again.

His feelings of loss are overwhelming for us both.
Talking to his father and the police
gave time for the meds to kick in.
He was safe to bring home with me.
He can never go back to his home now.

The Silent Sentinel is a watcher
he is a solid force of calm
unswaying he stands above the
gale of his brothers

His roots are deep and hold firm
like an anchor, for now.

26 thoughts on “The week’s trauma

  1. You stayed centered through the whole thing. You were an advocate and an anchor as well as loving mother.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I agree. With all the turmoil you must have been going through inside, you held it together and did what mom’s do — you loved your kids for better or for worse. Too bad we don’t have a ceremony that says that when we have each kid. Proud of you for staying rational and in control. That’s quite a feat!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m working on not letting him push my buttons. Talking to the police about the boys (small town, they know us and the history,) was helpful. They know there is something wrong in that house.

      Like

  3. I’m thinking about all of the layers that lie beneath this poem. Your life isn’t easy, is it?
    No wonder you write the way you do. I have a feeling that you’ve had to become an expert juggler. Jugglers are fast and dextrous. They need to quickly free their hand of one ball in order to catch the next one, and so it goes on until the original ball is in descent, but still you throw and you catch.
    Deepest respect to you.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I kinda figured that a few months ago, when I first discovered the site.
        I’m sure my juggling skills don’t match those of Ms. MetalFlowerMaker. I’m forever dropping balls.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. No, I’m a confirmed ADHD, not OCD. I don’t have any repetitive tap, rub, checking issues, I am the twenty armed goddess juggling forty things at once, while having two computer chats and emails at the same time, while talking to my daughter in gibberish:)

        Liked by 1 person

      3. No. I was diagnosed as an adult, after I burned out in my senior year in college. When I was little, I used to read and listen at the same time. I used to turn on all my music boxes at once and focus on the ones I wanted to listen to while I was in bed. Used to drive my mom crazy! Probably should have tried composing for multiple instruments. They pulled me out of regular classes because I was getting good grades, but seemed so unhappy. I cried everyday. Got put in a class for kids who could multi task. We did more and got called freaks/geeks by the other students. We started taking French in 2nd grade. Future business owners of the world, I think, or executive assistants for design consultants, did you see the Devil wore Prada?

        Most moms and teachers I know would be ADHD just to keep track of all the little bodies running around. I can hear many things at once and focus on what I need to to stay functional. Cooking, while running a bath, answering the phone, then dropping the phone to catch a child who is falling out of the tree out in the back yard. It’s not my ADHD that makes me disabled its my depression and anxiety.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. It sounds like ADHD is a huge advantage to you. Depression and anxiety: horrible. Of the two I think that anxiety is worse. I have my reasons for saying that.
        You have my empathy, useless as that is.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. My depression can be crippling. My anxiety/panic ends faster and then I just keep going. No choice about it. The depression is held at bay by a nice little pharmacological coctail, if the insurance company would stop telling me to fix what was never broken, so I’m just a bit off right now, but still not depressed. They have not tried to change my anxiety or depression meds yet. They just made me try two different ADHD meds that are not working, so moving has been a challenge… I like your empathy, feel heartfelt. Thank you!

        Liked by 1 person

      6. So you’ve got medical men juggling pills in the background, and you juggling in the foreground, occasionally having to drop a ball in order to catch a child. It sounds like quite a show.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Life is complicated. ๐Ÿ™‚ Trying to learn to slow down with one child in the house is funny, pointless and futile. She is a beautiful machine. I just have to make it four more years, then she will be the only child left to care for. The boys will come and go. She will be fun when her communication catches up to her mind.

      Liked by 1 person

Any thoughts on the above post are appreciated! Otherwise, I think I must be living under a rock.

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