I have made it through the
insomnia and have to go stand in the
true light outside. No, I don’t mean
Close Encounters of the Third Kind, kind
of blinding light, just normal
That is if I can roll over.
Bend the knee, down goes the left leg
bend the right knee down goes the other
Use both arms to push me up to the head of the bed
Now my hips are on fire.
I see its going to be an 800 milligram day
Ibuprofen powers activate
shape of a soft pillow,
form of a hot body bag.
I’d like a personal bubble filled with
analgesic that doesn’t affect
brain function please?
to propel me around my house
The more I move the better it feels.
I think it is time for a new bed.
As if that will help, but it might
make a teeny tiny difference.
As you can see I have been holding back.
I wrote most of this last week and this week
in the wee hours of the morning and if
I can propel myself out of child’s pose,
I will take a bunch of well meaning
pills so that I can seem presentable
to the human eye.
I need to go build a thingie
(seven foot tall sawhorses) to
hold up my grapevines for the
winter and cover my winter garden
with clear plastic, without hurting
myself, while Girlie runs up and down
the driveway, sure.
I might stare at the parts today
like the day before or the day
before and the day before: Fantasy.
Reality: Take anti depressant,
take anti anxiety, take pain killer,
take stimulant, take a shower and
look for clothes that make me look
less anorexic than I feel I look.
No, I’m not anorexic, but I’m
looking more skeletal than fleshy.
I don’t enjoy the thought of food
I never have. I used to sit for hours
chewing my food as a child. What
is this stuff, and why do I have to grind
it in my teeth to make myself healthy?
Really, something has always been
wrong with me and food. Yeah, tell
me I can have some of yours and I will
tell you that even with an appetite I
have to fight to maintain weight.
I no longer maintain, I’m wasting away
and I can’t seem to control it anymore.
I have the metabolism of a gazelle,
not good symbolism, they get eaten by lions.
I have the metabolism of a panther,
I can eat and eat and eat and eat and barely add
a pound. I eat healthy food. I eat junk food,
when I can stomach it. (Add comments about
hollow legs, eating for three etc.)
“my brother was skinny like you, I hate you.”
Someone said that to me, or something
in that context more than once, twice, twelve
SCREAMING ALERT! People are supposed to look healthy,
NOT SKINNY! Beautiful people do not look like marathon
runners in training. Healthy people don’t get deathly
ill when they catch a cold, or get pneumonia.
Our culture has f^%$#@! up the female and male
image of a healthy female body.
The only time I felt healthy was when I was
either pregnant or on Paxil when I weighed
178 pounds at 6 feet tall.
Now I’m 132 pound at 6 feet and shrinking.
Notice the cry for help
I have been crying since August
almost every morning, I am sick
and so so tired. I’m waiting for the
office to open so I can go be admitted today.
The deductible is only my month’s disability
income plus $100. Yea! Another month of
“where’d the money go.”
End of Mini Diatribe
Total non sequitur here: has anyone
noticed the high price of fish in
the grocery stores? Seven to twelve
dollars a pound. I almost fainted
from shock at the price of tuna.
I’m not trying to eat a rare endangered
fish from south of the Equator.
There was no local fish, it was all from China.
Why can’t I find local fish in a local store.
Is there already a monopoly on food suppliers
so most of our food has to be imported when
I know we have fish in the Lake, down the street,
and herbs, vegetables and meat in this county,
this state, this country???
Did the fish swim here all the way from China?
Then it would be worth the price. How long have
those poor frozen things been dead? I could
go on and on, well I do and did…
I just wanted to buy some fish for dinner
for a change. I live two miles from a Great Lake.
I’m going to have to learn to fish and clean fish.
Okay, maybe, I’ll go bribe a neighbor who has a boat.
No need to bribe, I could just pay the man and ask him to teach me to fish.
I’ve been up again since 4 or 5 am so now I can start getting ready to go to the hospital. If I can get my anxiety attack out of the way, find my medical card, then my car keys, why would I know where my car keys are?
In case anyone wonders, I wrote this yesterday, edited it today then added parts this morning, since I can’t sleep. The pictures are from this morning November 6, 2015.