watching one of the many batman
movies and without warning
I found my self sobbing
loud, uncontrolled wake
up the household sobbing.

The fire in my back was exacerbated
by being on my stomach watching
a movie in bed, the perfect place
the wrong position. I couldn’t stop
the flow of tears and I could not stifle
the sounds to a whimper.

Chronic pain is a mystery.
Not really just a horrible horrible
fact of my life. Chronic: long lasting
and constantly recurring says the
Apple dictionary (that is my friend.)

I was left dumping my bag of pills
on the bed as I looked for the strongest
possible pain killer that should
have knocked me out cold in relief.
Today it did no such thing.
Today I took a muscle relaxant
A high dose of anti-depressant,
anti-anxiety, pain killer and
a muscle relaxant.

The combo pill cocktail worked
I started this blog at 9am and I
must have passed out at 9:30. It is now
12:24 and I feel like my back is
no longer on fire.

I’m taking a leave from my
teaching job, I feel like a
failure, but I have to be able to
take care of myself better,
gain some weight, mental stability
better emotional control…

I was out for the rest of the day until
5:45am. I woke up long enough to ride in
the car to pick up My Child (no, of course
I did not drive. Do you think I’m crazy?)
we got back home and everyone fell asleep.

I popped awake this morning at 5am what a surprise
(sarcasm) hardly any pain, but a little hunger.
That’s a good start.

6 thoughts on “There I was

  1. I hope by now that you are feeling much better. How right you are regarding chronic pain, there is nothing like it and if you do not suffer from it I doubt that anyone could understand. I used to lay on my bed on my stomach to watch tv but learnt the hard lesson when I could not get up and when I did manage to roll over and slide off the bed onto the floor I would remain there on my back until the pain would ease. I do understand what it is like and have the utmost sympathy with you. I have to wear a morphine patch and take pain killers. Do you think a morphine patch would be of help. Only trouble is once you start on them I was told I could not come off them, changing to a new patch every week. I do hope your pain will ease for you, but chronic pain I think is the worst. Take care.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh Anna, I’m so sorry to hear that you are in such pain too. I have to be able to drive so I could not have the morphine patch, though I am reducing my responsibilities to stop the likelihood of flare ups like what I described. Today I feel better, but I will be getting my sons to bring the inversion table upstairs so I can stretch out my back if possible. You take care of yourself and try to have a good weekend. Good is such a relative term and most people really don’t understand how we adjust the term to mean, “not so crappy” “better than usual”and “find something to take your mind off the pain, that brings you some sunshine in the darkness.”

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your kind words you certainly understand, I have a severe curvature and have the tail bone feeling as though it is going to come through my skin, awful to sit on. The term the Specialists have given me is Ankylosing Spondylitis with OsteoArthritis. I do not drive I have “Meniere’s”, hence I can wear a patch. You take care of yourself but keep in touch.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Girl, sometimes you scare the beejeebers out of me when you talk about your assortment of pills. I do NOT know how you keep them straight! Like you and Anna I have chronic back pain from a sledding accident in 1982. But it’s very low grade compared to what the two of you go through. Usually Tylenol will take care of it, though I have resorted to steroid shots. I know how wonderful it can feel to like in bed and watch TV, but girl, on your back? Try your side with a pillow between your legs. {{{MFM}}}

    Liked by 2 people

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