So I never sleep during regular hours.
I go to sleep in the dark and wake in the dark
I have to wait hours until I see daylight
What use would that be?
I can wake and wash in
the wee hours of the morning
Hysterics follow
IMG_1293 He never says goodbye, my bear
he is just gone as if he never
existed. I can and should start
to act as if he was just a sperm
donor to girlie instead of a man
I happen to live with

 

 

What a waste
Why would he actually say goodbye
It means that I mean nothing
We mean nothing
I’m where I was when I “left”
my loveless marriage.
Alone with children who can’t see
their mother lose it.

They don’t understand
the point of my being
here is to raise them so they
can be normal and survive
the curse of dysfunction
that plagues at
least three generations
on each side. Why fight
the odds? Because they are
children and they should
not have to come to the
rescue of their mother
the way I had to.

Sylvia Plath was brilliant
but she stuck her head in
an oven. She made sure
her children were safe
by placing rags under the
doors so the gas could not
seep out and affect them.

Dead poets are
like dead artists,
still dead

Emotions are too much
to contain some days.

Something made me laugh
while I was doing laundry
The laughter turned to
uncontrolled cackling
tears, then
sobbing, then
a keening sound
that I hope didn’t
wake the children

In frustration, I hit the wall
not with an awl but my fist
then remembered how much
I do with my hands.
Cant teach girlie how to
play the piano with
a broken hand. Cant write
depressing blogs
all left handed-or can I?

I left a puddle on the floor
I didn’t think I had that much
moisture in my eyes,

Well, I have to wait
until the 23rd
to see a doctor,
a psychiatrist,
who will tell me
its all in my head
and my body chemistry,
a chemical imbalance
exacerbated by
narcotic pain killers
interfering
with the partial
reuptake inhibitor
anti-depressant and the
anti-anxiety medication.

Can I have something that works?
I want my Paxil back.

I ask as they give me something for
a bipolar patient. Anti psychotics
are all the rage, but cause a
form of mania in me that is
frightening to witness from
the inside and outside as
it turns into a panic attack.

“Welcome to Major Depression Disorder
may I take your order? We have a special
on benzodiazepines until 12 pm today”
Yes, I’ll have an order of
insanity with a side of anxiety,
a cup of seasonal affective disorder,
size large and some
ADHD just to spice it up.

Doctors like to call it
bipolar type II,
but I keep asking them to
read my medical file

Why is it so hard
for psychiatrists
to shed the ego
and

    read

another psychiatrist’s
notes about a patient?
Well, they could also try
listening to the patient
in front of them.
I’m losing hope.

By the way,
this is not a suicide letter
I have some fifty effing
years left to live with
this coctail of disorders
Maybe by then
they will have
found a cure.

This trigger was brought to you by the letter D as in Major Depression Disorder, anxiety disorder, ADHD and the movie: Avengers, The Age of Ultron.

-ASR

ps. Four hours later, I had another
cackling panic attack right as the
Avengers were all about to die as
they saved the world. I need to
call the pharmacy and find out if
the new generic distributor for
my amphetamine salts has red dye in it.
they can order another
version of my medication,
I’m sure I’ll have to first
find a psychiatrist who has
the bedside manner and listening skills
all the others seem to lack, eat the
cost or take nothing for thirty days
while I wait for my insurance to
approve another prescription.

I don’t think these pharmaceutical companies think about patients much
I think the bottom line is more important than the 1% that has a psychotic reactions
to their newer, cheaper, generics with unlisted inactive ingredients in them.

9 thoughts on “So I never sleep

    1. Thanks for posting Louise. I post to get things out of my head and onto paper-ish. This venting validates my feelings and makes me feel less isolated, though I like to be isolated. I went from having a husband, three boys and two male cats to just me in a tiny house without the ability to understand that I was okay before and will be fine as long as I protect myself and make art, garden and photograph nature,(sure wish I could find my camera. I’m hating the iphone photo process and delay, but it is better than nothing.) I’m building back up to critical mass again, then I start to create. Writing so often is new for me. I used to only write once a month. Cathartic and stabilizing.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand very very well. I caution you to keep an eye on the critical mass because they you can start to come down. That can be ok if you know its happening. I like isolation too. People have been asking me what I will do for Christmas and when I say I will be alone they feel bad for me – I say don’t feel bad for me, it’s a choice. No one to fight wish. Keep going I am withyou girl. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Critical mass is a physical thing in my art. If I’m tripping over half completed projects I start to produce a lot of work. At least that is what I used to do in the past. I’m waiting for that to happen again, once I get settled, if I get settled.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I hate it when doctors first don’t read the file, and second when they don’t listen to the person in front of them who knows their body and are the expert of it, having lived in it for years. That kind of – and “who has the medical degree here?” -ego. Grrrrr.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean! I’m not a nice easygoing patient when that happens. I guess I’m supposed to respect his debt, degrees on his wall and I feel that I carry my degrees internally (I’ve only got one) and the rest are experience and self awareness. Thank you for reading my posts.

      Like

    1. My therapist reminds me to look at the kindness, not the rest of it all. Trying to learn a new person is futile. Supposedly, it will all work out. I have another post that I’ll post in the woods where it can blow with the wind and be taken to the river for cleansing.

      Liked by 1 person

Any thoughts on the above post are appreciated! Otherwise, I think I must be living under a rock.

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