Lactose Intolerance for the Intolerant and Dim

https://sabiscuit.wordpress.com and I were having an early morning conversation and I threatened to write this:

I am lactose intolerant
Intolerant means I do not
have the enzyme in my gut
to digest all raw dairy items

Let us remember the ill fated food pyramid
from the 1970’s. It really confused the
folks who refuse to give me eggs.
Eggs come from a Chicken
Dairy comes from a Cow.
I eat chicken and eggs
which came first?
I don’t care, I eat both.

All dairy items include raw unbaked:
Milk
Cheese
Butter
Yogurt
Cream
Margarine
Ice Cream
Sherbet

If it is the best meal
I’ve had in months
it probably has dairy
in it. And I don’t
get to keep it.

If it is creamy I can’t eat it.
Boston Cream Pie -Baked but creamy
Pancakes -Fried but not baked still undigestible
Fried Chicken with a milk batter- Fried yet painful none the less
Mashed potatoes -cooked with milk
Whipped Cream -No, really?
Lasagna -No
Clam Chowder -No
Milk Chocolate- can cause discomfort
Spaghetti with mystery sauce- think parmasan cheese, mozzarella, butter on the noodles, think abdominal distress

The offending item will
sit undigested in my system
until it causes me so much agony
that I writhe in pain on the bed
floor or chair for hours

I was not born this way
I blame this on the
over-antibiotic prescribing
of my childhood.
I was sick every winter.
I’m allergic to dust
and mold causing bronchial
spasms that made me cough.

They used to call it
chronic bronchitis.
Now they call it reactive
airway disease and treat it
with an inhaler.
It’s like pre-asthma.

I never responded to the
antibiotic, but by age 16
I stopped being able to
drink whole milk,
then 2% milk,
then skim milk,
then cheese,
then cheese cake
then ice cream,
then PANCAKES.
That was a horrible surprise.
Now, I just make them with
any liquid other than milk.

I am not afraid of food
this is not a food phobia

I’m a fan of leafy green
vegetables so don’t worry
about my calcium intake.

Please don’t say,
“I made macaroni and
cheese, oh I forgot,
you don’t like cheese…”
I am a fan of things
lactose mentally,
but my body rejects
them vehemently.

I like cheese and milk
but I will eject it upon you
should you sneak it into
my food, intentionally
just to make sure I’m
telling the truth. That
guy was a jackass.

It has become more like an
allergy than a food choice.
I avoid it like the bubonic
plague.

I can’t eat just a little of
it, as if it will do no harm.

Imagine a 2″rectangular
brick plowing through a
1/8″worm track in the dirt
that’s how it feels
all the way through

Finally,
I am not anorexic or bulimic
I am not hiding an eating disorder
I don’t have a tapeworm, I have a hydra
(see badly drawn image below.)

Thanks for asking.

I wish the Silent Sentinel
had time to do this drawing instead:

Offer me some cheese, then, “Pop” out comes the hydra to swallow you whole “Snap”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lernaean_Hydra

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