https://sabiscuit.wordpress.com and I were having an early morning conversation and I threatened to write this:

I am lactose intolerant
Intolerant means I do not
have the enzyme in my gut
to digest all raw dairy items

Let us remember the ill fated food pyramid
from the 1970’s. It really confused the
folks who refuse to give me eggs.
Eggs come from a Chicken
Dairy comes from a Cow.
I eat chicken and eggs
which came first?
I don’t care, I eat both.

All dairy items include raw unbaked:
Milk
Cheese
Butter
Yogurt
Cream
Margarine
Ice Cream
Sherbet

If it is the best meal
I’ve had in months
it probably has dairy
in it. And I don’t
get to keep it.

If it is creamy I can’t eat it.
Boston Cream Pie -Baked but creamy
Pancakes -Fried but not baked still undigestible
Fried Chicken with a milk batter- Fried yet painful none the less
Mashed potatoes -cooked with milk
Whipped Cream -No, really?
Lasagna -No
Clam Chowder -No
Milk Chocolate- can cause discomfort
Spaghetti with mystery sauce- think parmasan cheese, mozzarella, butter on the noodles, think abdominal distress

The offending item will
sit undigested in my system
until it causes me so much agony
that I writhe in pain on the bed
floor or chair for hours

I was not born this way
I blame this on the
over-antibiotic prescribing
of my childhood.
I was sick every winter.
I’m allergic to dust
and mold causing bronchial
spasms that made me cough.

They used to call it
chronic bronchitis.
Now they call it reactive
airway disease and treat it
with an inhaler.
It’s like pre-asthma.

I never responded to the
antibiotic, but by age 16
I stopped being able to
drink whole milk,
then 2% milk,
then skim milk,
then cheese,
then cheese cake
then ice cream,
then PANCAKES.
That was a horrible surprise.
Now, I just make them with
any liquid other than milk.

I am not afraid of food
this is not a food phobia

I’m a fan of leafy green
vegetables so don’t worry
about my calcium intake.

Please don’t say,
“I made macaroni and
cheese, oh I forgot,
you don’t like cheese…”
I am a fan of things
lactose mentally,
but my body rejects
them vehemently.

I like cheese and milk
but I will eject it upon you
should you sneak it into
my food, intentionally
just to make sure I’m
telling the truth. That
guy was a jackass.

It has become more like an
allergy than a food choice.
I avoid it like the bubonic
plague.

I can’t eat just a little of
it, as if it will do no harm.

Imagine a 2″rectangular
brick plowing through a
1/8″worm track in the dirt
that’s how it feels
all the way through

Finally,
I am not anorexic or bulimic
I am not hiding an eating disorder
I don’t have a tapeworm, I have a hydra
(see badly drawn image below.)

Thanks for asking.

I wish the Silent Sentinel
had time to do this drawing instead:

Hydra Quiche
Offer me some cheese, then, “Pop” out comes the hydra to swallow you whole “Snap”

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lernaean_Hydra

14 thoughts on “Lactose Intolerance for the Intolerant and Dim

  1. I read it and I have a full appreciation of your situation. It is unfortunate and I am hoping that you are not having too much trouble coping. I love the illustration. It’s very cool. Love the curls, too. You’re better at drawing than I am.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I was writing a response, but I seem to have lost the 1st window, multi-tasking is a curse. I’ve been lactose intolerant for almost 30 years, so that’s why I’m grumpy that my mom can’t remember that I’m lactose intolerant.

      They have to label the foods now, I don’t think there were labels on all the foods in 1986. If there were they weren’t so standardized yet. Especially with the allergy section in bold at the bottom or the cross contamination blurb, “Packaged in a facility that processes, peanuts, wheat or milk products.”

      There are also products that I can eat like rice milk, soy milk, non dairy yogurt and non dairy desserts, that didn’t exist 25 years ago. People kept offering me sherbet as a non dairy option and I’d have to inform people that it had dairy in it too.

      I don’t have issues with it often, but every now and then somebody slips up and puts butter on the vegetables and then I get wicked stomach pains. I just keep my house dairy free and then there can be no accidents at home. If I ever eat out I can almost always eat asian food.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You too, today is the last day to solve the year’s issues. Easily digestible is the key. Now just adjust my appetite to match my metabolism and we’re good to go.
        Thanks for liking my drawing. I don’t draw illustrations often and they always look like that, not quite scary enough, I actually had to draw the head twice, I stuck the second one on before putting it on the scanner 🙂 Have a great day today!

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Even without dairy there is joy in herbs and spices. There are many types of subtle flavors of sage, basils, parsley, edible flowers. It helps to be a gardener. I can grow things to replace the things I will never taste again.

        Liked by 1 person

Any thoughts on the above post are appreciated! Otherwise, I think I must be living under a rock.

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