So, I’m trying to remain calm instead of the
primal being I have become…

This is your last chance to stop reading before I launch off on a tangent about my feminine issues. Remember you have been warned.

..while I am having hormone adjustments (the life
force is draining out of me as we speak)
How many more years before menopause
PULEEEEEEASE? I know there are reasons
to not want to enter the non breeder
portion of my life, but lots of reasons that
are economically feasible without having to
have major surgery:

1-No more supporting the maxi pad
and tampon industry.

2-No more supporting the tissue industry
for bizarre emotional outbursts (oh, yeah,
I have anxiety and depression, so I never get
a break from that, but I CAN want it to happen.
Let me have this one delusional moment of
hope happiness in the middle of a tirade, huh?)
2a-I never want to fry another cell phone with tears.

3-No more having to grin and bear it when I
want to scream at the top of my lungs that
“I am not crazy, I’m just EXTREMELY fertile!!!!!!!!!”

4-No more supporting the sheet industry, since
every sheet I have is stained to the point where I
am embarrassed when I do laundry alone.

5-No more supporting the women’s underwear
industry because my underwear looks like I
went into labor in each and every pair I own
including the new ones.

6-No more dragging through nine days of
“You have got to be kidding me, still, more.
How much blood is there in my body really?”
WARNING GRAPHIC IMAGE HEADER
A not so graphic article on the amount of blood in the human body which happens to be  “approximately 4.7 to 5.5 liters (1.2 to 1.5 gallons) of blood.” from this website.

7-No more supporting the mattress and futon
industry because it took me a while to discover
cloth mattress incontinence pads, hospital
chucks and mattress pads. Not the ones that
sound like you forgot to take the plastic off your
mattress when you bought it.  Then I just gave up
and bought a black futon. HAH!

I no longer have to explain anything
to anyone who happens to see my bare mattress
and wonders, “Who died, and why does she have
their bed,” followed by, “Gross, who does ritual
sacrifices in their own bed?” Or, “Did you give birth
at home?” Bet you’re still stuck on the ritual
sacrifice part. Well, I’ve been reading books
by Claire Farrell okay.

8-No more having to rush to look for soaking under
wear in the bathroom before visitors arrive.
That problem has been solved merely because we
have more than one bathroom and I laid claim the
master bath and refuse to allow anyone other than
Girlie in it.

9-No more pride in the fact that I can get blood out of
clothing. In case you’re wondering. Soak in cold water,
then use a bar of hand soap to scrub in a clean portion
of the fabric then rub that fabric on the soiled area
repeatedly until the stain is gone. Use cold water to
rinse only.

In case you’re wondering, why I’m still
embarrassed by items 4, 5 and 7. Well, think about it.
Do I have time to scrub underwear, sheets and
mattresses (how do you rinse a mattress anyway?
using a carpet cleaner?????) since I am spending
so much time salvaging my pants, skirts, long johns
and the occasional shirt tail once a month. If I had
more money, I would just throw it away, or burn it.

Also, have you ever soaked a sheet before, then tried
to pick it up and carry it outside to drip dry without
soaking your entire house, cause you
can’t always put that sucker in a washer by itself
without unbalancing the washer, then thump! thump!
thump! thump! until the washer door flies open
from the force of vibration and you find your washer sitting
at the furthest reach of the water supply hoses in the middle
of the basement floor since it walked there on two legs
with each “Thump!”

Each month, I turn into a 13 year old girl who had
her first period at school while she was wearing
white pants and was caught completely unaware
and had to leave class to call a distant relative/friend’s
parent to come to the school and bring a replacement
lower body garment, then ride a bus home feeling
the eyes of EVERYONE on her, because everyone
must know that I bled through my clothes. Think
“junior high school trauma,” like getting your period
at a school dance or prom.

Please don’t mention the sweater over the butt trick
cause I’d ruin the sweater too!

I have had seven to nine day periods for most of my life
with cramps earlier on, but thank goodness the monthly
pain went away with child number 1. I do have to describe
the bliss of not having a period while I was pregnant and
breastfeeding. 19 months of not having to worry about
sitting or sleeping on someone else’s furniture, except
for the messy birth part.

Just one more note about #1, just try to find the same
maxi pad every month. They constantly change them,
the colors of the bags change, the names of the products
change. The Overnight Super Maxi Plus with Double Wings
does exist but it probably has a super nifty name like Ten Hour
Plus Protection Feminine Protection. When I was stuck in bed
last month,

I sent my adult son to the store to buy pads because I ran out.
I know, how could I have been so stupid? I can see it now in the
newspaper. Yeah, you know that newsprint thing you use
to clean windows with? “Crazy mom of four, breaks her hip
while trying to use crutches to buy maxi pads.”

My point was he had to text pictures of the packages to me to
figure out which ones I needed. He spent like 20 minutes staring
at boxes, bags, colors, diagrams and reading. What he brought back was
the most epic pad I have ever seen. It should have been called
the “Full Coverage Postpartum Hemorrhage Pad with Wings”

There are also funny little drawings to show how much use you
may be able to gain from the products. They have a small pad,
medium size, large pad and extra large long. If you want light
bleeding pads you look for the first image to be highlighted.

I think the marketing departments are pulling their hair out
trying to come up with non-graphic (and fairly vague)
terminology to describe their customer’s needs.
Light days, junior, ultra thin, overnight, regular, incontinence, extra heavy, long super, super plus (….blah, blah, blah polite words )when they need to
be MORE SPECIFIC: Spotting, Paper Cut, Stab Wound, Artery
Wound or Crime Scene Victim. I’m joking and yet,
I’m not.
Perhaps if they were to identify their users as 1 day, 3 day,
5 day, 7 day or long term use. How about that? Not graphic,
yet more helpful. Okay, I think I’m done now. I got that out of my
system. For now.

I won’t even bother with tampon descriptions because they seem to
have less change in their product development and I can usually
find what I need without having to read an entire aisle of product
marketing materials.

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2 thoughts on “TMI Feminine Products

  1. This was so funny – not. Only “not” because it is so true! You could do a stand up routine in front of a room full of women and bring the house down. We all have so many stories like that, and you explain them so humorously! I have to say, the good thing about menopause is not dealing with all that – but then….! Hormone stuff and aging stuff isn’t all that easy. It’s just difficult being in a female body. The best things and the worst.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! I wouldn’t mind reading this to a room filled with women, but like I said, I turn into a 13 year old girl having her first period stains shown to a class full of boys-mentally. I know its always better on the other side, but when I’m dripping on the floor and cleaning up blood puddles, I feel like it is not natural. A mid wife once asked me how much blood I was losing. I said I had to use super plus tampons and overnight super pads, plus the bed pad/chucks during most of majority of the period, she didn’t seem to get it. It’s major blood +fluid loss and I get anemic how in the hell am I supposed to measure the blood volume in cups? I’m used to this and sometimes the blood pressure is what gets to me. I’m over sensitive.

      Like

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