I denied it.
My ex used to
say it like
he was some
kind of
specialist.

He also would say
it as a kind of
accusation
a curse word

“Bi-polar” with
his British
accent. “Bi-polah”
while he laughed
at me in front
of the kids.

I used to tell
him he would die
alone, not that
I intended to be
the one to send him
to hell, but because
it meant that I had
no intention of
staying with the
man who caused me
such pain and the
continued emotional
bullshit. At no time
during the marriage
or in front of our
children did I call
him a narcissistic,
sadistic bastard
with a God complex.

Yeah, well, I’m
being blunt again.
It’s still winter
and my green house
blew itself apart
again this weekend.
I didn’t even bother
to go outside to fix

it. I had my bear
handle it. I don’t
care about the results
anymore. I’m down
and dropping still.
I just took the new
meds and I’m waiting
for the numbness to

take over. Any time
now. Hello? Brain?
Would you please
digest this cocktail
and let me function.
Pretty please with
sugar on top?

Online support group
I’m asking for help,
not pleading just asking.

The questionnaires
always ask what are
my strengths. I keep
asking for help. I don’t
give up.

Tuesday-
saw new doctor, fired old doctor,interim therapist, lost case manager, increase sex drive (Which probably is only a problem for me since I am a breeder, but it is a sign that I am getting depressed. My ex and boyfriends loved this part of me)

Wednesday-
took 1/2 Paxil, clonazepam,took evening Latuda, brain zaps, depression, increase libido

Thursday-
took 1/2 Paxil, clonazepam, called old therapist, took evening Latuda, brain zaps, depression, increase libido

Friday-
started cutting, called new doctor left vmail, took 1/2 paxil, clonazepam called new doctor, increased Paxil back to full dose, started Lamictyl, increase libido, wanted to stay in bed and read, so I did, weepy

Saturday-
took Paxil, clonazepam, took evening Latuda, Lamictal, depression, increase libido, weepy, wanted to hide in my bedroom, muscle spasms

Sunday-
took Paxil, clonazepam, took evening Latuda, Lamictal, depression, increase libido, weepy, wanted to hide in my bedroom, muscle spasms,

Monday,
took Paxil, clonazepam, Lamictal, depression, increase libido, weepy, wanted to hide in my bedroom, irritable, muscle spasms,

2 thoughts on “I resisted the diagnosis -Mental Diary

Any thoughts on the above post are appreciated! Otherwise, I think I must be living under a rock.

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