Girlie outside (what was I thinking?)
My brain said it would be okay, but
I knew I had a limit to the time I
would be okay out there. I started
pulling weeds in the garden. Until I
found the queen anne’s lace plant
I knew not to pull. I was squatting
so I thought that was safer since I
was close to the ground, shorter
distance to fall. Girlie decided
that it was better for her to direct
me than to help me pull the grass
out of the mulch, so I obliged until
I realized that it had been more than
15 minutes outside in the not so warm
and I was starting to getting dizzy.
We walked to get the mail at the road,
then walked back to the house where I
noticed all the downed tree branches.
Something was not quite right. I was
half bent over and using a branch as
a rake to move the rest of the branches
to the brush pile when I noticed I was
dragging a leg and couldn’t
really stand up straight.
Time to go in. easier said than done.
First I had to get Girlie off the deer,
then I had to get her in the house while
dragging a legs crunched over to one side.
Sure. No problem. “Time to go inside” I
announced and she gave me the look of
defiance that said, “The deer doesn’t want to.”
Dear deer is a statue and I doubt that the
damn deer was going to pass out or have a
pseudo seizure on the lawn so I clamped onto
29 pounds of Girlie and pulled dragged her
off her favorite perch so that we could
slowly get in the house before something
weird happened. She held my hand until we
got to the steps, where she proceeded to
Toddler, you know the one
you see in grocery stores that you want
to pick up and strap into the cart. The
one who obviously has not had a nap, but
will fall sound asleep as soon as they
can be wrestled into a car seat five point
harness seatbelt that only a two year old
could fasten. Don’t worry all I had
to do was get her up four stairs without
falling, hitting my head, crushing her or
tripping her up the steps. Sure. No pressure.
I lifted her up by both arms because her
legs belonged to a Tasmanian devil and though
it sounded as though I was kidnapping her,
“No Way! STOP! Outsie, Owwwwwwwww, Noooooooo!” I
really just needed to get her up to step number
three before her upper body joined the lower
part in Tasmania so we counted the rest of the
steps until I got her to the door.
Did I open the door first? no that would
have made sense, so down one step, open
the door, pick up Girlie like she was a
sitting in a chair and pushed the door
open to deposit her to the floor for the
full blown crazy Keppra induced tantrum.
Did I mention that her dose increased to
keep up with her weight and one of the side
effects is irritability. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
We were in the house so I really didn’t care
how I got her muddy shoes off her as I took off
my muddy boots and coat then started working on
her coat buttons, which only seemed easy to put
on while she stood perfectly still. She rolled
like she was on a ship in the middle of a storm
while I got one button at a time as she rolled
port, starboard, port, starboard. Now these were
1″ diameter buttons and still I wanted to rip
the coat off, but I like this coat and it was the
perfect weight for today, though it was bright
without any warmth from the sun or what ever the
hell was shining in the sky, from far far away.
Mission accomplished, I hefted her up over my
shoulder and took her to bed and said “Nap time
and dropped her in the crib. Here’s your blanket
and a pillow and “Are you ready?”
“Night-Night,” she said with a smile and I closed
the door and walked out ready to lose my mind,
wondering why I’m so feeble that I can’t be outside
for more than 15 minutes without feeling like I’m
going to pass out. Son of a 45 pound racoon,
I’m just not feeling okay.