Girlie runs to me and says
“owside.” She wants to play
outside in the yard. I gather
courage, presentable clothing
two pairs of shoes and we
venture into nature.

She sees birds “burrd” flying
in the sky “bye-bye” she waves.
“dares wuun!” she points and yells
as a buzzard swoops in circles looking
for not us today, we are not road kill.

Jumping up and down, “hi buurd, buurd
dares wuun.” See the robin in the yard?
“Wherezat? Wherezat?” behind the tree,
over there I point over her shoulder.
She runs across the driveway, birds
flying to the safety of a fence-she
stops,”BUURD!” big smile of joy

she returns to me and steps into the
full blue wade pool. We splash, splash
splash to the count of ten, she leaves
the pool, skip running like only
two year olds can. Like an old woman
she waddles, arms pumping to keep
her moving, burning energy, twinkling
eyes hold mine, “MOMMIE!” she runs
laughing into my arms for a hug and kiss.

Sweet munchkin fits in my arms, like I
fit in my sons’ embrace. An imminent
reversal every parent experiences. I
grow large children. Towering above me,
like pillars in a cathedral, they now
support me. She will too in 10 years.

I’ve been away, thinking about reevaluating life, counting socks and pills and dealing with the Sentinel’s finals, hiding and recuperating inside my head inside books the way I did during my parents divorce way back when I was fourteen – sixteen years old speed reading fantasy books instead of doing homework.

Other lives keep me afloat like some people watch reality television to make themselves feel better.
Wake read clean
feed bathe clean
play teach sleep
wake read feed
dread breathe risk
fall bleed all over again

wake read dream
wake read dream
wake read dream
wake read train
HORN startles my pea brain.

I hadn’t written, because I’m drifting through the hours of sleep and not sleep, diapers and tantrums, crisis after crisis.

Ex phone calls, My Child getting suspended for the rest of the school year. Why can’t he just keep it together to get out of middle school? The Ex will not give him his medication when he is supposed to have it. Time to meditate instead of medicate. My psychiatrist is waiting for me to have a relapse. My Ex threatened to take my boy away again. Fire in the oven. My Bear melts down. Enough.


4 thoughts on “The pool is deep

Any thoughts on the above post are appreciated! Otherwise, I think I must be living under a rock.

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