All the time in the early
morning crickets are chirping
roaring silence Yeah just like that
no cars, just nature sounds
Yesterday was surreal sitting
outside a courtroom holding Girly
No one could come to watch her
so she came with me us
to the hearing
We waited outside for the
lawyers to talk about us
without witnessing the clinical
observations of a single mother
an absentee father with
My Child, the delinquent son.
Yelled at by the lawyer
I feel beaten down more than usual
I cannot make the child feel
responsible for his life
He has another chance to
complete his community service
another month to watch him
melt into a ball of apathetic inaction
The lawyer didn’t like his attitude
Welcome to my world
He is sedated to keep him from
mania or impulsive bouts of anger
Which is better? Violence or mania?
Neither. Seething silent fury
Is a teenage boy at odds with
his absent father who yelled
at me via voicemail after the hearing.
He didn’t know. He could have come.
Why didn’t I let him know?
I did let him know. I emailed him
I texted him. More excuses from
the broken record. No wonder
My Child has unresolved anger issues
No wonder I feel like shit
I sat holding Girlie, she wiggles like
a puppy squirming sweet smelling smiles
as tears flow down my face. My Child speaks
“Mommy? Are you okay?” No. “Can you walk?”
Not yet “It’s time to go?” Yeah it is.
I pull it all in and get up and
walk to the elevator. Past the waiting
room filled with misery, troubled and
battered souls. I can feel the collective
pain. I don’t look up, but I make it out
Into the sunshine, My Child carries
Girlie we walk to the car. I stop him
to take a picture of him holding her as
they walk by a church. The pattern
of bricks and stained glass calm me
He offers his camera so he can have
photos taken as well. The day is almost
brighter through a lens. This is my last
drive to the courthouse I tell him.
I can get places I can’t always get home.
Someone else will need to drive us next time
I’m so tired. Driving when emotional is stupid
but we have to make it home. I stop at the
construction store to buy manure and peat moss
They have clearance perennials on sale for $1.
Shopping usually cheers me up. Yeah, I know
Let me explain. Shopping means the purchase
of something I can use, tools, dirt to grow food in
I stop again for food, then again to break down
I feel shaky, like I’m going to pass out
I tell him Fifteen minutes, then we can go
Deep breaths, I finish my food, take a pill
Medically shored up, I make it home
The rest of the afternoon is a blur
I am so tired.