Red hot poker of pain woke me
a long emotional draining dream
I was confused couldn’t remember
what was real or just
one of my special dreams

The baby girl in question was mine
I gave birth to her because I
remember I was there
the question of who
her father is was the main
point of the dream.

He lived next door he was
a blacksmith named Steven
a burly man who wore kilts
rather than the confines of
pants while he beat steel in fire

From a large family he
had seven brothers
They were all over the globe
I didn’t know he was home

I just happened to call his
cell phone and heard the ringtone
through my open window
I called his phone again
it went straight to voicemail

I ran next door
they were having a party
I walked in and introduced myself
his parents, moms and aunts were
pleasant and welcoming

Nieces and nephews ran around
like puppies chasing each other
falling over each other as if they
had rubber for bones they flopped
over each other, climbed each other
to greet me, the stranger.

A boy leapt into my arms grinning
through his dark hair with brown eyes
It was like holding an older version
of my daughter humor glinting
in those similar eyes. “HI!”

Caramel colored he was
a summer sun baby
like children should be
as they were in years past

Up for breakfast then
outside all day in the fields,
the forest, the barn

running jumping playing swimming
in the relative safety of family acreage

Checking in for a sandwich lunch
then back out to the fort
treehouse river log bridge for
fishing skipping rocks cloud gazing

with a large mutt to keep company
and auditory alarm for the parents
who keep ever vigilant ears open
while they do their chores

It’s not about values, it’s about security
The children are aware of the boundary limits
They push them as children do
but home is a safe place of extended family and love

I walked into his arms as he said my name into my hair.
I missed him. He was a good hugger
Do you pick your friends for the strength of their hugs?
We all should. It’s good to know
when someone is actually happy to see you

We sat and talked about his wife and children
I started being confused in the dream
When had I seen him last that I could have had a child with him?
Why don’t I remember? I haven’t seen him in seven years, yet I have
a nine month old girl who hasn’t met her real father? What?

I asked him when he was coming over since he was in town
He hesitated then said, “Not yet”
I stood and walked away leaving my phone there
Tears streaming down my face I walked to my home

I never asked for anything from him.
No support, no commitment,
no fantasies of the happy family

Do you see why I’m confused when I wake
There are so many levels of real thought in my dreams
Then, I feel the pain and realize it was one of my vivid dreams
Yesterday, I took a larger dose of Paxil
my seratonin level must have sparked a dream.

Where am I really? Here in bed
How old is my daughter? Almost three
I know who her father is?
He is right here next to me snoring

We had a paternity test in order to get his name
put on her birth certificate. Ohio law did not
allow me to put his name on her certificate
in the hospital. They even have a brochure
in question and answer format
explaining the antiquated law.

If you are married, but separated
your child by another man belongs to him
your spouse, like a piece of property
until proved otherwise by paternity

I have had a long day in my dream
now I am exhausted and I am expected
to get up and be level and strong
I want to curl back up and hide
under the covers until sleep takes me.

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2 thoughts on “Special Dreams

Any thoughts on the above post are appreciated! Otherwise, I think I must be living under a rock.

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