Disclaimer: Sometimes my idea of describing medical issues includes graphic detailed information about the not so quiet hormonal adventure of being female.

So, one biopsy down
I will wait for the results
There is not a thing I can do
to speed up the process of waiting
for the lab results to be mailed to me.

My mom described the pain of a
uterine biopsy as “not as painful
as childbirth.” Geez! Thanks mom.
That was a wee bit vague.

“Crampy” she said.

Crampy like a charlie horse or
Crampy like the early uterine pangs of pregnancy or
Crampy like Braxton-Hicks contractions that almost
interrupted my baby shower three years ago?

She said her biopsy was almost thirty years ago
she couldn’t really remember it being that bad.
Dang, I forgot to take tylenol beforehand.

The procedure was pretty quick.
The OBGYN doctor was very professional
there was no pinching, tugging or scraping
that I could feel during the deed.

Much better than a pap smear.

Until the cramping started. This
was the type of pain that made me think
there was something wrong with me in the first place.

So, the feeling is somewhat between the early twangs
of a pregnant uterus and a full blown, knees to
the floor Braxton-Hicks contraction. It wasn’t like
the active labor or transition to the second stage of labor.

I remember when I first got my period, I thought I was
going to die. The nurse at school was nice, she gave me
some tea and told me to ask my mom for some Motrin
when I got home. Nurses were no longer allowed to
dispense medications in public schools.

I spent most of the day in the nurse’s office
waiting for the dull ache to go away.

One hundred and fifty-three periods later, when I
became pregnant in 1996, I stopped having cramps.
It was such a nice couple decade break in the
monthly cycle of pain, groaning, pillow clenching
and refilling the red thick rubber hot water bottle.

I may have had a gold one once, but the design
really never needs to change.

I looked up my medical records online and found a term
that I had never heard of before.
I was listed as have the condition of gravida.
Gravitas had nothing to do gynecology.
So, it was time to look it up.
Searching gave me the GPA key to the
reproductive classifications of women

Pre-pregnancy = nulligravida

Pregnancy = gravida

multiple pregnancies = multigravida or secundigravida

advanced maternal age 1st pregnancy = elderly primigravida
(Advance maternal age is the term I preferred to be called
instead of elderly or geriatric since I became pregnant with
Girlie after the age of 35.

Parity was another word that took me down the rabbit hole

Parity = the number of full term births

nullipara or para 0 = no full term births

primaparous or primipara or primip = one previous live birth

multiparous or multip = birth 2+ times

grand multipara = birth 3+ times

So, I guess on my chart to simplify
my life/body/reproductive stage:

I am Multigravida Grand Multipara with one Elderly Primip that was High Risk.
Ooo, how about this? I’m a MGM-EPHR.
Sounds like a new curse phrase that
should be snarled like a pirate
“You emgee em effer.”

I came from a family of MGM-EPHR’s
My maternal grandma was one of thirteen
or fourteen children born to her
grand multipara mother on a farm down south.
They were sharecroppers, so the children
were to be a workforce.

My paternal grandma was a Grand Multipara
since she gave birth to four boys and one girl.

Of course, right after reading more of the Wikipedia article
I found a section on agriculture and
domestic animals kept for milk production
Yeah, wouldn’t it be great to not have this topic include
breeding farm animals… Sure, it is too much to ask.

“Animals that have given birth once are described as “primiparous”; those that have given birth more than once are described as “pluriparous”.[8][9] Those that have given birth twice may also be described as “secondiparous”, in which case “pluriparous” is applied to those that have given birth three times or more.” –Wikipedia

I hope this distracted you from something. It almost dulled my pain, but I’m learning to be patient about things I can do nothing about. I need to go find that red hot water bottle and put on my fuzzy bunny ear pajamas.

Advertisements

Any thoughts on the above post are appreciated! Otherwise, I think I must be living under a rock.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s