This relationship has stalled
I want communication
He wants __________
(well if he were speaking to me I would know)
I can guess
I have waited
I have asked
All answers are
‘I don’t know’

I know that his actions
provide a glaring answer
of their own

‘I don’t want to
I’m not ready to grow up
I thought I was but
I’m not willing to
invest in my child’s life
by having healthy interaction
with her mother’

Don’t get me wrong
I’m not begging for love
I’m asking for my housemate
to participate in raising
this smiling human
who sees us and
squeals in joy
that her people
surround her with love

Sure mental illness detracts
from this situation

How do you balance
your mental health
against the needs of
your family’s stability

I left one situation that was
destructive, inflammatory and scarring
to all parties involved
two adults
three children
three cats

I accepted affection at face value
Convenience aside
I did not interview
my potential partner
(Who does really?
Oh yes, the dating games
the scariest dating option in the world
Remember the Love Connection from the 80’s?
I could not realistically ever
put myself out there to find a partner)

Obviously, other people
have higher standards and
feelings of self worth

I sacrificed
my mental and physical health
for my first marriage and children
I did not wear it on my sleeve
like a badge bemoaning my sacrifice
I sucked it up and
took it like a good soldier

Do unto others
who will not
do unto you

It took me
fourteen years
for the light bulb
to come on and stay lit

When I was pregnant with Girly
I was old enough and
on enough scary psych meds
that I was given case management
through my health insurance

Being pregnant at 43
is considered high risk here
as I was of ‘advanced maternal age’
I was on category c and x medications
have a major depression disorder
anxiety disorder and
a truck load of back pain

The insurance company wisely
(imaging someone praising an insurance company!!!)
considered me to be high risk as in
“You or your child could have complications”
so they assigned a nurse, transportation aide
and a social worker to me with easy access
through home visits and direct phone lines

Perhaps some would see this as invasive
I welcomed the help
my therapist was only available
two times a week and
I burned out one or two cell phones
due to water damage from crying

(If it weren’t so sad it would be funny
Well it is actually funny
“Sob, sob wait I can’t hear you
the phone is crackling
my phone is sizzling -Hello, hello?”
My phone is dead
I cried my phone to death?)

My point, yes I do eventually
wander back around to it
I’m learning to develop
healthy mental health habits
by pointing out my issues after
careful consideration and
double checking with my therapist
to make sure I’m not being cruel
or projecting
or obsessing
or panicking
and discussing it with the involved party
no matter how uncomfortable

Yeah, I’m fun to be around
(tell us how you really feel)
IMG_1152

7 thoughts on “Making an effort

  1. Relationships are so hard to constantly work on,the group Dynamics make it also complicated
    Since my car accident 2 years ago I really have had to work 3 × as hard to keep what I have bloom and grow
    When you throw chronic pain into the mix it tests all who are involved

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very true dear wise man. Willing participants are necessary to make that effort. The pain is an undercurrent of irritable buzz that makes mountains out of molehills in my head. The pain flare ups make me want to numb the pain by any means possible, but physical therapy exercises and anti inflammatory meds are all that is prescribed. With that I still get the “addictive drugs lecture.”

      Like

  2. I think your post is wonderfully candid and therapeutic, E. So much of your life ingrained in it. Thank you so much for the peek inside your heart — because that WAS from you heart. ❤ {{{E}}} ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for reading “tales from the roller coaster that is my life.” I’ve been conditioned to believe that my writings highlight my mental issues in an unflattering way. (Never marry another Britishman. He could keep a smile on his face while starving to keep up appearances. Now that was truly insanity. Keep it all in until you blow.)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree that you need to remain true to your feelings in your writing. I have always enjoyed your authenticity and feel we have so many coping skills in common. I, however, must defer to you as the Goddess of Phone Killers, as the most I have ever accomplished in that category, is making a disgusting mess of makeup smears on my phone, while blubbering long distance with my bestie. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

Any thoughts on the above post are appreciated! Otherwise, I think I must be living under a rock.

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