This tenuous balance

Is like walking on a balance beam while once loved ones
scream all your vulnerabilities
and faults into the audience

And the crowd laughs mouths wide open
pointing fingers slapping their gut guffaws

I feel myself get smaller
as I want to be invisible
or just light enough that I
no longer cause a ripple
since I’ve just been thrown into the river
Again

I don’t have the will to eat
my pants fall down though I just
punched a new hole in my belt when I put them on this morning

Wasting my waist away
I ate at least two meals yesterday but my day started at four in the morning with a pint
of non dairy chocolate brownie ice cream I forgot to add peanut butter

Hours later Italian bread and cold cereal with water then I went out to mow

There was roast with vegetables in the evening.

My sole existence irritates toads daddy long legs and sleepy moths who can’t be bothered to fly further than three feet away from the mower of imminent death

Maybe small creatures don’t fear death
with brains smaller than half the size of a pinhead
they just see daylight get startled and leap into motion

Why is my big brain so Abby someone?

I listened to a podcast introduction to a screening of Gene Wilder and Mel Brookes’ Young Frankenstein that was better than watching the movie (one of my all time favorites)

Let’s pretend I’m satisfied not making metalwork for fear of failure or the apathy that comes with my daily anti anxiety depression and adhd cocktail of pharmaceuticals

I’m not happy making sure my house moves like a machine
Get Girlie on the bus
Drive My Child to school
Garden for just long enough to feel like there can. never. be. enough time
Wake the living dead to drive the Silent Sentinel to school and loiter shop or play pointless games on my phone rather than drive home so I can turn around and pick him up then speed home to beat the school bus to my house

I have justified terror that I’ll miss the bus because I have chosen the wrong child to pick up first and I’ll have to deal with Childrens Services the County Sheriff and the F-4 tornado of guilt that follows me around

I’m typing rather than completely coming unhinged
I’ve texted someone who is obviously sleeping, it’s too early to call anyone on my “break glass in case of breakdown” list

Ifeelpain though I’m guessing it’s psychosomatic at this point or I took the crazy puppy out once too many times yesterday after mowing

I have rolled over but I’m stuck like a six foot tall black lady upside down in a turtle shell

Girlie graduated from her IEP and she’s on her way to regular kindergarten in the fall
no more small class size and weekly speech and OT

How is this different from the boys having outstanding verbal vocabularies in daycare, then proceeding to struggle with reading and spelling for the rest of their educational careers in progress?

Her genial and affable personality does not mean she has caught up to the level of conversation that five years of normal vocalization provides

Three years of preschool taught her that a response was necessary to questions. A response not the response to the question asked

How are you?
“I’m five. My name is Girlie Revrey. I have a dog named Beastie and she’s bitey. I had two cats. My night cat died. My striped cat gives me hugs. I live on Lake Road. ”

It is communication. She uses sentences, but it’s more of her introductory speech.
The tongue tie surgery did wonders for her pronunciation but her vocabulary comes and goes along with the comprehension of simple words that she has used for four years.

“Thank you mommy. What does thank you mean?”

I made the assumption when my boys were little that they understood the words they used appropriately. Not so, they tell me now 15 years later.

My Child failed 9th grade English for the third year in a row, though he has passed 10th and 11th grade English. Something is not quite working.

My household needs to include my Eldest Surly Reverie and I fear that I will lose the kids benefits cause health insurance and food are a privilege not a right out here in God’s country

I haven’t planted the vegetables yet so I’ll just have to choose between electricity and food next month unless I throw miracle grow on my plants if I sow seeds today.

My Child goes to court Wednesday for yet another pre trial hearing but his phone tracker is off and he’s not answering his phone so I’m thinking I’ll have to notify the courts that he is out of compliance, yet again.
I really haven’t mentioned how much of a circus My Child is/has been this year. He graduated from oppositional defiant disorder to conduct disorder when the police from his father’s town drove out here in the next county over to arrest him at school for his winter break crime spree. What the “@@&$$&& ¥£€€!”

Caught up in the stupidity of 16 year old boy with an older delinquent homeless friend who now resides in the penitentiary for the next five or so years since the idiot is 18. The other kid is I don’t know where, but they’re both pointing the finger at My Child as the mastermind of their endeavors.

What the hell, man? This homeless delinquent “friend” who was arrested for dealing shows up with three unknowns at My Ex’s house and he lets them in and they spend the night???!!! Then the Ex doesn’t search My Child’s room to see the spoils of their exploits…

“M^#%€}~]^ – f^#>|\’h$!”

My ex knew more than he’s telling me or the court
who knows really but
we are in the dragging limbo process of juvenile court where we meet every month My Child shows non compliance and insolence but no additional crimes so I remain his sole parole officer during house arrest since My Ex just can’t be bothered to keep track of his favorite son who obviously likes to party and the court refuses to waste money on an out of county kid for an ankle monitor.

I suppose in the scheme of delinquent kids he’s not so bad because he wants to go to school and isn’t completely truant due to tardiness. Not a hardened criminal, just a slightly moistened juvenile delinquent.

Yeah, I’m proud of my life right now (sarcasm, loads and loads of it)

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