Reinventing myself yet again
I don’t feel the numb static
from last year while I
watch my hands
shake uncontrollably
That dull ache of void
screaming for attention
Hysterical while sad or
Sobbing with anxiety
Shifting medications
tweaking my body chemistry with
a man doctor who barely spends
five minutes with me
each month.
A new specialist and
nurse practitioner think
I’ve got new priorities to accept
a different diagnosis that fits
no surgery, but painful physical therapy
Yes, it will get worse before it gets better
My reaction to pain had been to
breathe and keep going
push and stare into the horizon
Now I stop
try to isolate the location of
the pain and rest
Tailbone to
lower back to middle
causing shoulder blade and
neck aches
It is hard to explain how
four little nerve clusters
in my tailbone can wreak havoc
spreading cramping and sharp pains
through twenty-four inches of my torso
To say I have scoliosis with
chronic lower back pain is
vague but reality is
my spastic pelvic floor with
an angry tailbone
screaming in pain is
specific
Sing with me, “The uterus is connected to the pelvic floor
The pelvic floor is connected to the Coccyx (tailbone)
The coccyx is connected to the nerve clusters…”
and repeat monthly, bi monthly or every fifty-five days
(Have I mentioned perimenopause yet?
Cause, it’s the gift
that keeps on giving
Never knowing when I’m going to
have a period again is
like being twelve again
waiting for it to happen
Most of my friends were
mature and had started periods by
the age of twelve
At age thirteen, I worried,
“When will it happen to me?”)
My point is
(you didn’t think I had one, now did you?)
A couple days before on the first day of
my semi-monthly adventure in bloodletting
I have stabbing pain in my lower back
A curl up in the fetal position
“What the hell?”
“Why me???!!!!”
“I hate this,”
kind of pain
They gave me a cream to
rub on when it happens
my pain pill in liquid form
works fast through the skin
My uterus, fun little organ that it is,
is tipped back at an angle
retroverted retroflexed
I’d like to know what it
is leaning on to cause so much pain
Or, I need to have another talk with
the pelvic pain specialist to
understand how my pelvic floor muscles
are affected by my wandering uterus
Who obviously wants to party
Dear uterus,
I know you may feel neglected
but I really resent the way you
cause physical pain as a way of getting
noticed. I think you have a behavioral problem
and need to seek help.
Love,
Your container
My body
The months of physical therapy
working on my core muscles
changing my bending
sitting standing positions
gave me less ache
***************
I may have missed the flight
That ship has sailed
He moved away to go fishing
A calm man with no requests
or complications
His eyes would twinkle
as his smile broadened
under the shelter of
his full mustache
a truly warm greeting
There aren’t many of
those around these days.
*************
The garden grows
transplants and volunteers
seedlings and pretty little
gifts of nature
The strongest will thrive
in my front yard garden
of invasive plants
Jerusalem artichokes escaped
the confines of black plastic
and burrow deep into
the golden Ohio clay soil
Morning glories strangle the
life out of the everything
It’s probably one more year
before I find bind weed killing
my lilac hedge
Thistle hurts when I grab it
thorns embedded in my thumb
but to smell it
causes transcendence
the blood and pain
keep me grounded in
my safe scented bubble of
garlic, lemon balm and thistle
Amanuensis Sobriquet-Reverie 